What to do with Decision Fatigue
I had a different post almost ready to go, but then I spent another hour on the phone with a new surgeon discussing my current situation, history, and a new possible procedure. All in the hopes that it might help me ovulate. However, I’ve been told that at 40, I have premature ovarian failure and it’s unexplained. They can’t link any main cause to it…and they have done some extensive testing to determine any root cause. So now my husband and I are faced with the possible option of surgery where the Surgeon will not only search for physical evidence of infertility but also perform a PRP (Plasma Rich Platelet Therapy) on my ovaries. It's an incredibly cool procedure that will bring life to my ovaries and wake them up so to speak. It will help to remind them that they really can produce eggs.
But here’s the rub, we don’t know if I have any eggs left. Currently, I am taking mostly bioidentical hormones to help prime my body to know what it’s supposed to do to cycle regularly. We’ve been at this for almost 6 months now. Prior to this time, I would have a cycle every 90-100 days, maybe 2 cycles a month, or skip a month. It was irregular, to say the least. If you read my post about birth control, you can understand why I didn’t seek medical help earlier. What I’ve also learned is that some “periods” are actually called “bleeds”. This is when you don’t ovulate, but still get what we see as a period. So right now my body is currently in that stage. However, the surgeon’s question was whether or not my body truly can cycle on its own or if I in fact have no eggs left and am in menopause.
So we are at a crossroads. Do we continue with the very expensive surgery even though there is no guarantee that I even have eggs left? Or do we proceed with looking into egg donorship and possibly adoption?
There are so many directions each choice could take us. All of which or mind-boggling expensive and none with guarantee a baby. I think that’s been the hardest part of all of this. I never imagined I would in a situation where it was difficult to conceive or where I would be faced with so many decisions.
Here’s the other aspect of my current journey. Despite knowing that I am in premature ovarian failure, our team suggested that I continue with my current hormones and a different ovulation induction medication this last month. Even though the changes are so slim that I will conceive naturally, they said it wouldn’t hurt to try this option for another month or two if we wanted. I was hesitant, to say the least, but I struggle to not do EVERYTHING in my power.
Yet in the same breath, they are telling me to start considering other options and to know when my endpoint is. My end point?! I am physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually run down! Some days I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus of grief. On other days, I see signs of potential ovulation and I get all excited (because that is who I am - always wanting to see the glass half full).
So how do I make the decision that it’s time to stop? How do I put the kibosh on something as fragile as being able to create a child from my own DNA? Where is the breaking point? Physically and mentally I feel I am there. I don’t know how many, if any, more cycles I can go through and track all the “symptoms” of potential ovulation, take more meds to try, and still remain unstressed about it. It’s ridiculous quite honestly. One cannot exist without the other. If I am to track signs of possible ovulation, then yes, it’s on my mind constantly and is the driving force of our marriage, relationship, schedule, and my life!
Can I have a glass of wine when we’re on a date? Am I ovulating? I saw cervical fluid, but my temp isn’t as high as it should be, or it was and then it dropped? Oh my gosh, I think I am finally seeing it all line-up, let’s do this baby! Nope, temperature dropped again. Wait! now it’s back up. What does this mean?
It’s all-consuming!
I’m on 10 medications right now to help get my hormone levels where they should be ideally to conceive and yet, we still don’t know if I have ANY eggs left. I LOATHE taking medications! I love to allow my body to do what it naturally wants to do, but if I do that, we’re definitely done conceiving naturally months ago. So again, it’s the juxtaposition of getting what we want in less-than-ideal circumstances. Where do you compromise? When is it enough?
So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Earlier I said that I was trying to do everything in MY power and that is not a bad thing, but it also means I have to be careful that I don’t shut God out. I believe that God is a God of miracles. He truly can DO ANYTHING! But holding that faith daily is a hard balance when we have all these decisions to make.
Then there are the day-to-day decisions. When we are so caught up in our grief and anxiety or even stress it will become difficult, if not impossible, to make decisions. Simple decisions. Like what to have for dinner or what should I wear today. I see stress especially plague my clients when it comes to nutrition. Here they are doing their best to implement new habits and routines, and when they feel like everything else is sipping out of control around them, it’s hard to grasp basic decisions like chicken or turkey, stir fry, or instapot meal.
So what do you do when you’re in over your head and decisions seem to feel impossible?
BREATHE. I almost didn’t want to write that, but its so true. Box breathing, meditation, counting backward from 10, etc. are all proven to help get your body out of the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) and into the parasympathetic (rest and digest).
Consider listening to your inner monologue for a moment by journaling. I honestly have a love and dislike relationship with journaling. It’s hard for me to get started, but once I do I find it so therapeutic. I can visually see what I am truly feeling and thinking. Sometimes the decision becomes so clear at that moment. Or I can at least find direction. I find people, myself included, avoid journaling for 1 main reason: it requires you to process and work through the hard. But its when we process and work through it that we can eventually come out on the other side. Why do you think I started a blog to share what I’ve learned about hormones and fertility? It’s therapy for me too!
Go back to the basics! Make the easiest dinner, even if it’s heating up leftovers. This is not when you go get takeout - there are so many decisions when ordering takeout or fast food. And usually, stress will win and the poorer choices slip into play. Skip the long workout and go for a long walk instead. Fresh air will help you clear your mind. Get rid of any extra tasks at that moment that are not urgent. Yes, the emails, dishes, laundry, and even book club can wait. If you are feeling so overwhelmed that you can’t make a simple decision, it’s time to pair down your life.
Breath again. Rinse and repeat step one as many times as needed over the next few days.
After a poor night’s sleep the day I talked with the surgeon, I knew a workout at 4:40 am wasn’t in the cards. I allowed myself to sleep (that’s what my body needed most) and then was able to fit in a yoga session before dinner. I found myself lying on the floor in savasana at the end of my session, listening to the instructor talk about surrendering to the moment, and found myself crying. Immediately, our youngest pup came running over to me and started licking my face. He wanted to make sure mommy was okay. It was truly the sweetest moment. It was only when I slowed down and breathed (this time in the form of yoga) that I realized the message I needed to hear was it was time to surrender. If God wants to perform a miracle and we conceive naturally, I’m here for it! But meanwhile, spending hours of my time consumed in figuring out the logistics of a possible surgery that very likely wouldn’t work if I am eggless, well that doesn’t seem to be the best way to spend my time. It's not me giving up, it is time to let go. The hardest part of grief is accepting what is that you never thought would be.
While I believe STRONGLY in the power of positive thinking, I am going to focus that energy and those thoughts on believing for our miracle. It’s time to rid my life of these extra stressors and effort. We still have a journey ahead of us and I believe that now is my time to rest in Him, soak up time with my husband, pups, family, and friends and let God lead.
So I guess I have made a decision (honestly through the process of writing this post for you). Stay tuned for the next phase in our journey and if you think of it, say a prayer for us that God works his miracle in my body before we even have to proceed to the next phase for Baby Sills.
